It has been a really warm February in Mississippi. Along with the weather, my insides began to heat up and cause tremendous discomfort. I can feel the weather in my stomach. I am aware of how crazy that sounds. Done caring how I sound. When there is a sudden temperature spike or drop and when the wind blows I can feel it inside me. Storms too. It isn’t hard for me to understand. Real simple actually.
Emotions are just like the weather. They come and are processed, or not. They can change in the blink of an eye and wreak havoc if not properly channeled. Problems arise when emotions are never processed and start controlling all of your behaviors. But how can you process something when you don’t even believe it is okay to feel the way you do? You can’t.
I haven’t wanted to leave my house for almost a year. It requires a tremendous amount of energy and my energy tank’s low fuel light came on a long time ago.
I had no idea the extent to which people will hide from themselves until I saw myself doing it. Many people have a negative reaction to me and misinterpret what I am trying to express but that is not because I am a problem. It is because I am a mirror and my openness reflects back to someone the things they hate and fear most. Those things are often projected on to me. I always thought something was wrong with me because I feel so deeply. Like, I’m not okay. Like I’m damaged.
The idea that I am crazy was reinforced each time I would try to express myself and it inconvenienced a member of my family. They will not hear me out without interrupting to tell me I am wrong, crazy or being insensitive to what THEY are going through. In reality, my emotional expression should not in any way threaten another person.
Once I expressed a trauma I experienced and sobbed as the words left my mouth and as the weight began to lift, the response I got was “you need prozac”. I attempted to end a phone conversation because it was causing me anxiety and when I stated this, the response I got was “your anxiety. what about all the anxiety you cause me?” I pointed out that manipulation was not okay and was told “No, YOU are not okay.” In that moment and the millions prior to it I was taught that my feelings are unimportant, others matter more and I am selfish for expressing my needs. I was really young when I began denying my feelings and was conditioned to believe I was responsible for everyone else’s.
As an adult, just to feel okay I had to be doing something for someone else. I would drain my energy and resources pouring them into a dark empty hole that was a need for approval. It is endless and it will never be enough but I am enough. WE ARE ALL ENOUGH.
I have this ability to give language to what other people feel when they can’t do it themselves. I have been really good at soothing others because I know the things I need… what I have always wanted to hear.. I can sense things about people. I know what they need and I act. I anticipate their needs especially when they are in a situation that is likely uncomfortable.
A lot of times the people that I think the most of are the ones who are so confusing for me because I would abandon my own intuition and agree with them if they made some observation about my life that went against mine. I would think “surely they are right and I am not” because I never learned to trust myself. Sometimes they are right and I need to look into some things.. but not always. I’m not afraid to say so anymore. I’m so sick of agreeing for the sake of agreeing. Scared that I would not be entitled to love or that it would be taken away if I pissed someone off.
I owe my friends an apology for dumping all my shit on them. I never should have asked them to carry my load and at the same time, I know they love me and they don’t mind but I want to be an awesome friend. So it ends now. I don’t want the people in my life to have to tip toe around me because they are afraid to upset me. It’s just tears. They don’t hurt. They’re the salt to my earth. I can’t heal my world without a cleansing rain.
I have often been accused of being too emotional or attempting to manipulate because I cry so easily. I could never cry to hurt someone. I never seek to manipulate. Never consciously anyway. I cry because of my own pain and the pain of the world. I feel it all. I cry because I need to understand. I cry because I have been very confused about what love actually is. I have only experienced true love recently. It took that to know what love is and what love is not.
Love is not conditional. Love takes responsibility without placing blame. Love does not speak poorly of you for stating your needs. Love is not things bought for you. Love is not manipulation. LOVE DOES NOT HURT.
There are so many different types of people on earth, living on the same planet but in different worlds. I crave common ground and respect of each viewpoint rather than dismissal based on a person or groups preconceived notions. It is horrible to think you are not entitled to feel a certain way and our society is wrought with narcissism and self righteous indignation. I was once a participant. If I could find an area where I excelled and others failed, that meant I was okay. In reality, that is a state of denial.
In my outward search for answers to my pain (which is really chasing your tail because you have to look inside) I became so fascinated by personality typing. I love to read about god and goddess energies and Jung’s archetypes. I also see where it can be limiting. The personality is just one aspect of experience. Environment is another and we have no idea what others have been through. Where do we get off? To say what others should or should not do, should or should not feel.
I recently became aware of the difference in a feeling I get from someone that was true and real vs the vibe I get from projecting my own feelings and fears on to another person. Everyone is inherently good. We all have God inside us. Experiences shape us and we form beliefs. Belief is the trigger. Belief is ALWAYS the trigger. When I am triggered by something because my beliefs have been challenged, I have to question those beliefs because they are likely not grounded in reality. Some experience in my life caused me to form a certain belief so I always have to check in with myself.
The emotional experience has been denied for so long. Family secrets buried deep.. Don’t let anyone see. Hide it, put that smile on, fake it until you make it. Feeling down? You need a prescription.. pain too deep? Avoid, AVOID AVOID AVOID. Deny responsibility. Fuck that. I can not do that anymore. I own all my mistakes without shame.
I’m done listening to what other people think and believe about me and the way I choose to operate and live my life. It is mine. I won’t be asking for anymore advice and I won’t be asking for permission to feel and I won’t be giving a shit who doesn’t like it. The jig is up. My empathy is a gift. I am proud of who I am. The next time someone attempts to manipulate me and deny my version of reality so I will think that I am crazy… well… that is actually true. I am crazy. The decent kind of crazy… not the tragic type of crazy. The tragic type is believing that you have nothing that needs improving. I can’t think of anything more tragic than staying the same.