For over a year I wouldn’t chase my dreams because I had this idea that I could never be taken seriously. The reason I did not believe I could be taken seriously is because I’m pretty. Yes, I think I am pretty. No, I’m not ashamed to say it. No, that does not make me conceited. If you are reading this and you do not believe you are pretty, YOU ARE WRONG
SO, I honestly believed that nobody could ever TRULY appreciate my mind. If they appeared to, it was just a cover… an act for what they really wanted… my sex. I used to be told to believe that any time a person mistreated me or did something to hurt me it was because they were jealous because I was prettier than them…. belief courtesy of my darling mother. Fortunately for myself and humankind, I never fully bought into that one. Although to some extent I believe she has a point.
The belief that I was only good for one thing was not my own either. The entertainment and media industries have had little impact on me since I grew up in the game but friends can be a huge influence in my life. I believe people are mostly good… almost to a fault. I tend to idealize people. This thought that my worth was no deeper than my flesh was planted by my parents and friends and it was reinforced over the years until eventually it stuck. I had been emotionally manipulated and I had no idea.
I held back because of it. See, there was a time in my life that someone used a professional proposition just to get close to me but in reality they had something else in mind. One time. That happened to me once. I was often reminded that one time could be what happens next time. So I held back and I held back and I held back until I just couldn’t anymore. I wanted to create and share and I wanted it bad.
I started this website and I got serious about my digital artwork. People seemed to like what I had to say and they seemed to like the artwork that I made and not a single person tried to have sex with me in exchange for a compliment or retweet or for their encouraging words. Well, one guy did ask for a picture of my feet… and… ehhhh…. what can I say… I’m a people pleaser…
For almost 4 months I have worked really hard and I have grown… as an artist and as a person. As I grew in my ability, my awareness of my Self expanded and so did my awareness of others. A psychology professional and dear friend warned me that those in my life who sought to manipulate/control me would sense this expansion of my awareness and they might start to act out. More specifically, they would point out faults or something negative from my past or in a more confrontational situation, remind me of something painful and deeply personal that I have confided in them.
That psych professional was spot on. In just one week three people reminded me of a behavior that I had in fact overcome years ago. -I used to be a bit of a biotch. But I hadn’t acted that way in ages… what the hell was the point of them mentioning that? To keep me in my place? To remind me that regardless of what great things may come my way, I have not always been great, to make me feel small, to MANIPULATE me, to CONTROL my emotions? -now, that’s what the professionals in the psych field say. Are they all wrong? Um… no.
When I think about others and the pursuit of their dreams, their emotional well-being, there is not a single step I could take or word that I could utter that might hinder them on their journey. Even those that are in the same field as me… doing the same thing. To my “competitors”:
That’s my hearts language/ english translation: “Fly Butterflies”.
In the game I play, when one of us wins, we all win. In my game the players are all on the same team, not separate from me or you or each other. Not a single human has to look behind them to know I have their back. I’m there. I can’t fathom consciously impacting an individual in a way that contributed to the tendency they had to doubt themselves. I hope that most or at least some people who emotionally manipulate others do so unconsciously.
Today I was contacted by a publisher and also another writer about collaborations.
This is the biggest opportunity I’ve ever had because this has to do with my passion yet I found myself afraid to share the news. I should have been shouting it from the roof tops and the people who truly love me for me and not for what I can do or be for them should be happy and shouting with me and popping champagne bottles and letting them over flow in slow motion.
Thank goodness I quit thinking I wasn’t worth anything to anyone unless it had to do with my naked ass. Because if that were the case, I wouldn’t have this opportunity. I wouldn’t have even tried. I know now that I believe what I choose to believe and I do not have to believe a person just because I like them.
When and if a book I worked on is published, perhaps I will write a dedication to the person who believed in me more than anyone else in the world.
Here is an awesome video by Lisa A. Romano (who is a total Goddess IMO) about emotional manipulators.