This is just some straight crazyness and probably too personal to post on the internet but I lack boundaries and I have issues. So…
I don’t think I have ever shared something so personal. For some reason I feel more at ease as I write this post than I have ever felt writing any other. There is an openness… a letting go… no walls up… It probably feels right because it is pure authenticity. I am so eerily calm right now in the midst of utter fucking chaos and I get the sense that I’m bordering on madness. Feels like home.
With all that said I feel a responsibility to insert a trigger warning since the following contents are coming from the deep blue subconscious sea. No abuse stuff, just a little childhood trauma. If anything about children of divorced parents, George Michael or Christmas is a trigger for you, stop here and just close out the tab. If not, see you in the next paragraph.
For the past few weeks I’ve been experiencing spontaneous recall of things that happened when I was a kid. I have not accessed these memories since the 90’s. And I guess you could say they were painful. Although, when I look back through the fog of what that time was like I don’t remember a traumatic time, just a time of change.
So last night in the shower, where most people get their best ideas, a memory of a dream I had when I was about 5 or 6 came swimming to the surface. It was a recurring dream. I would always have it when my brother and I spent one of our every other weekends at my Dad’s house. So this was right around the time my parents split up.
This dream had a song in it and I had no idea then what the words meant but it was such a heart breaking instrumental. In this dream I am inside a car looking out of the back window and it’s raining really hard and I am watching my mom drive away. The feeling inside of me when I would wake from this dream was so insanely devastating it felt like I was carrying a population’s worth of pain.
I can remember hearing the song a couple of times after and just sobbing and I didn’t know how to explain why it hurt. I didn’t even know what the song was about. So eventually the dream stopped and time did its thing… marching right along and Boom: Nearly 30 years has passed and I remember it in the shower.
I can vaguely remember something like…. being that age and thinking of the me now… at my mom’s age. It’s like a past me projected this dream memory forward to a future me and it freaks me out a little but it also makes me excited as it pertains to the true nature of our reality.
It’s like my subconscious has eased me into this in a way that is so tender. There was a precursor to this dream memory two years ago. It was Christmas Eve of 2016 and I randomly got this song stuck in my head. I mean this song was playing so loud between my ears I kept checking TV’s and radios all over my house to see if it was actually playing. Careless Whisper by George Michael.
I almost couldn’t think because the song was playing in my head in such an “in your face” way. This was really weird to me so I looked it up. The song had topped the charts in 1984, the year I was born. So I thought well, no big deal. Now this next part gets real crazy and one may question if I am blending a bit of fact with fiction.
Fortunately, I had a conversation with someone about this song possessing my mind. We would go head first into these types of things. The “why?”. So I watched the music video and felt immense sorrow. Realized what the song was about. It felt very familiar but I still hadn’t made any significant connection.
When the world woke on Christmas Morning 2016, this was the major headline:
My friend asked if I thought it was weird that I had a George Michael song stuck in my head and then he died soon after. I don’t remember how I answered but no. I don’t think it’s weird. I do that a lot… pick up on some sort of predictive, collective unconscious process. Often people will mention that I have answered a question someone else asked them that they didn’t know how to answer.. and I didn’t even know the question, or I mention something really random they have seen or experienced in their day.
I am unaware to a degree that I am picking up on things like this but then there is a part of me that is very aware of what I am doing, I just tend to doubt it. I’m working on that.
So here’s the last little weird bit in this entire fiasco. I spoke to my mom recently and told her about the dream… the song… all of it. And she said: “That Christmas Eve stuff is crazy, I found out about your Dad’s affair in the early morning hours of Christmas 1992.”
Could this all be coincidence? Sure. But come on! This is communication from the deep blue. This is how it goes.
So I am sharing this hoping to give someone else insight into how the subconscious mind works with you to bring up unresolved trauma. You can work with it or it can come up spontaneously. I doubt I could have handled this all at once. So it’s important to make sure you have the resources in place to deal with anything that is going to come up. The way this manifested for me made it totally digestible.
And I interpret the timing of George Michael’s death and that song getting stuck in my head as clue so to speak. The part of me holding on to old childhood wounds needs to die with these fall leaves so some new part of me can be born again in the spring.