“I’m Like Nostradamus”

Blah. Okay. I’m going to get personal because other than describing this experience, I don’t know how else to communicate this arrogant tendency that high conflict people have of claiming they can predict your every move.

We all have wounds, right? Of course we do. I’ve been in a decade long love affair that has been more hate than love the past 3 years. And I’m equally responsible for the downfall of the relationship but there is one key difference. One of us wants resolution and one of us just wants to fight.

So with that said, one of my wounds kept coming up in the form of me picking fights when I didn’t hear from him. But! I became conscious of it. And I was able to communicate that in my experience men leave and they don’t come back. So please be conscious of that with me. Help me love my wounds.

Now this is not to say that it is anyone’s responsibility but my own to heal my mess. That’s not where this is headed. I’ve taken responsibility for my shit. But it is entirely possible to consider someone when you know what they struggle with and attempt to lessen their pain. Just because. Because you love them and you want to.

So recently, lover and I decided to try to make it work again. He left for a 6 week trip overseas. He landed across the pond and I didn’t hear from him for 7 hours. And I panicked. So when he finally did call, I burst into tears and told him how it hurt. He expressed that I had a point and that he needed to be more considerate. But… he wasn’t. Day after day would pass without a word. And I couldn’t understand it… why?

So I had a reaction to his withdrawal of attention. Of course I did. This was a head game being played and I fell for it. Hook, line and sinker. And when I reacted he says viscously and like he is totally disgusted with me: “I knew you would do this when I left. I predicted exactly how you would act. I’m like Nostradamus.” – I felt like a predictable idiot. And I felt ashamed of myself and like there was something horribly wrong with me.

But as I become more aware, I can see things now that I couldn’t before. He knows my wound. He knew what hurt and he behaved in ways that were the equivalent of pouring pounds of salt into a gaping wound. He was well aware of the reaction it would illicit if he ignored me. And he did it anyway. Then he says “I predicted this.”

No asshole, you instigated it. Fucking false prophet.

That’s all. Just that.

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