All the fighting, the passive aggressiveness, the mind games, the hard to get games, the blame games. I’m so exhausted by it.
Underneath all of the melodrama is just fear. Fear of rejection, fear of facing ourselves. Fear of that deep, dark abyss. We’re grabbling for control to try and prevent the inevitable. To avoid admitting how very little is actually within our control.
The truth is…
I’m afraid that one day you will wake up and decide you don’t want me anymore. And that feels like death to me. The death of us. I haven’t even been brave enough to type that sentence before tonight. I wouldn’t allow it entry into my stream of consciousness. In my childlike mind, ignoring a potential reality means it doesn’t exist, it can’t exist. I can pull the covers over my head and it goes away.
Lately though, the fear of staying the same has outgrown the fear of change.
I don’t know who I am without you. I may be more scared of finding out who that actually is and the fear of losing you just masks it. Because I get the sense that who I am without you doesn’t need you at all.
What a heart crushing revelation. Fuck. It aches. But…
We’re all going to be slaughtered on the alter of love. And we’ll all volunteer to be sacrificed. Over and over again.
That’s all. Just That.